adventures in cheez whiz

*slowly beats head against the table*

Oh my lovely socklings. Nothing will drive us to the edge of devouring our button eyes, which would be a shame as they are christmas buttons and rather pretty if we say so, than to have to deal with passive-aggressive people who need someone to attack them in order to be the victim.

It's fine, if that's what turns their crank, but it is of increasing irritation when they try to force us into the role of Longinus in order to do so.

Here's a tip, cupcakes. If you have to retreat behind a facade of handwringing and backpedaling of "oh, I'm so sorry as to have offended you" when someone is actually trying to have a conversation that is not peppered with platitudes and apologies, you're doing it wrong. Wait for the attack to come before reeling from it and cowering in the corner like a whipped animal.

Otherwise, you're working too hard for it.

At least wait for us to stab you with our stabby stick before you assume the victim role, please. It works better that way and makes you look more like the victim you so desperately wish to be.

We are just a sock and as such are relatively harmless, in the grand scheme of things. You're being a doink for giving us greater power than we have or really want. Seriously, we don't want it.

However, a fast perusal of their interests explains quite a bit to us. We shall now move away from that tar baby.

Be a doink if that suits you. Just stop being a doink at our expense. We don't appreciate that. Makes us cranky. We start eating the christmas wrapping paper, then everyone is unhappy.

The Hooman Bean is a constant source of frustration for us. How it is that they have managed to get this far in evolution is beyond our reckoning. They are blessed with large craniums, the capacity to think and imagine wonderful things (and see them through to creation), the ability to love beyond themselves (even if they rarely exercise such abilities) and a very strong sense of self (an ability that always seems to get vigorous attention).

How is it, then, that something so vital was missed upon the original creation?

'But lowfat!' you may cry, 'to what are you referring that has you twisting at your button eyes?'

We'll tell you, my dear socklings. Give us time.

The year is now 2007. Yea, verily we are fast approaching 2008. Just recently, The Golden Compass has opened in theaters and already it has created a minor furor over it's obvious anti-Christianity agenda. To this, Philip Pullman has denied nothing.

When he first wrote His Dark Materials trilogy in 1995 (finishing the final in 2000), it created minor murmurings in the Christian community. Yet we heard nothing about it.

Believe this, if you will, that we are religious-minded. We believe in a Higher Power. We also suspect that He has a fabulous sense of humor. He must be likened to an indulgent parent who is overseeing His progeny as they (hooman beans) throw their fits because they don't get their way all the time.

He must have this sense of humor because He's not seen fit to wipe the slate clean (again) to start over.

Or perhaps He's just tired and has a headache. Best to let the hooman bean sulk in their room until they get hungry.

At any rate, seven years ago the trilogy was finished and been sold in bookstores around the world. Then, one day a fabulous thing occurs. The movie rights get exercised and, voila!

The Golden Compass is made.

And now, just now, Christian mothers and fathers are up in arms (which we fancy to be a neat trick as we have no arms) because this movie of obvious anti-Christian theme is in theaters!

Excuse us while we laugh in our cuffs.

Where were these mummies and daddies and their outrage (OUTRAGE WE SAY!!111!1!) when the books were printed?

What saddens us, my dear socklings, is that these mummies and daddies have not been reading what their children have been reading. Nay, we even submit to you that perhaps they have not even encouraged their little cupcakes to pick up a book at all. Tis easier to plant them in front of the television than to exercise their minds with discussion of the book's subject matter, allowing the darlings to come to their own conclusions.

No wonder that most incredible organ in their bodies, the ones capable of such fantastic ideas of innovation and invention, are starting to atrophy.

A sad state, my kittens. A sad state, indeed. We weep for The Hooman Bean and the continuance of their race. This marvelous creation is managing to Darwin themselves to the lowest common denominator. Is extinction far behind?

When will they get hungry, we wonder. And will God have moved out while they sat in their own ignorant, petulant pouting session until, when they emerge with their tummies rumbling, to find the lights are off and no one is home anymore.

Of course, God hasn't given up on them.

Yet.

We have.

In the meantime, The Golden Compass is on our to read list, when we have the time (and there are several books already in our queue) and is certainly on our list to go to see. Right along with The Hitman.

Oh little socklings, how hoomans have disappointed us. Tis a sad day for us, indeed. How fortunate, then, that we have you, who for the most part are reasonable and rational and are not prone to spasms of doinkiness.

This recent upheaval with SUP buying out LiveJournal has upset us greatly and not for the reasons anyone would think.

You see, the entitlement complexes rampant throughout the LiveJournal community is perplexing to us on many levels. We suppose it may be an artifact of the internet these days, about how communication is now at the speed of moving electrons and how having a screen name that is difficult (but not impossible, my little socklings. not impossible) to trace back to a real person, therefore all veneer of civility is dropped in the name of

The First Amendment

whatever they mean by that. We would suggest internet denizens educate themselves on the First. It might surprise them to read it thoroughly as to what it really says.

But back to my point.

LiveJournal is a business now. Where, in all this hoopla, has this been missed? Where do the LiveJournal customers believe they actually have a right to this advisory committee that SUP is talking of putting together? SUP, from what we can see, is doing this out of the kindness of their heart. It may be nothing more than a token gesture, sure. At least they are trying in that regard.

The thing is, oh great sock fans, SUP doesn't have to do it at all. Think on that for a moment. We'll wait.

...

Here's a hint. They're a business whose first aim is to...wait for it...make money. TRUFAX.

...

Sad, but true, my little socklings.

Here's another corker for you out there. No matter who gets chosen to be on this advisory board, be it one, ten or a hundred of the LiveJournalers out there, no one

NO ONE

will be happy. We are sad to say that whatever good will that had been built in the 'good ol' days' of LiveJournal is gone, replaced by ill feelings, mistrust and a healthy dose of entitlement. There are too many people who are crying out that their rights are being infringed upon! (oh the horrors, LiveJournal, she is oppressing us!)

Those boundaries of these 'rights' they believe to be stomped upon with such careless abandon, are as individual as the holders of them are.

So, no one will be happy. Everyone will be pissy.

It gives us a headache.

Here's some advice, if you find this situation with LiveJournal to be more than your delicate constitution and fragile psyche can handle.

Ready?

We'll wait again.

...

Now?

LEAVE!

Seriously, whiners bitchers and moaners. If your rights and privileges are being abused so callously by The Man, then take your toys - grab your cam and burn that t-shirt for YouTube! - and go to another home. There are dozens of journaling sites out there. Surely there is one that is a better fit for you.

Or get outside and get some sun. Play in the snow, if it's snowing where you are. Breathe some fresh air that is not the heating/air conditioning unit and stop letting the CRT beam electrons in your face long enough to get some perspective.

Fandom.

It's such serious business.

*sage nod*

This can only end in tears.

Heidy-ho, my little socklings. It has been far too long since we were last here. Real life, such that it can be, took hold and we spent time getting our holes darned and being aired out.

Also, a few new buttons for eyes were in order. Truly, there are some spectacular doinks out there that cause us to eat our button eyes from their sheer stupidity.

Our Real Life Person^(tm) was also quite busy writing some wonderful stories to entertain their real time friends so we sat in the pile off to the side until they were freed up to do something with us.

Which would be now.

Rendering us speechless through your idiocy =/= Rendering us speechless with your witty insults and debate style.

Sometimes the only thing we can say is...what? because the stupidity is so blinding it robs us of all speech capacity and mental reasoning.

In case you wanted to know.

is usually the least pleasureable and the most memorable.

Awkward fumblings while we try to find our way along.

With every time, we improve. Or at least it becomes more fun.

We are not expecting you to friend us and we understand your reluctance to take anything a self-proclaimed anonymous mouse says seriously. You're call. We would remind you that if you do take anything we say too seriously, you might want to take a step back from the computer and get outside into the sunshine. It'll do you a world of good. We promise. Just take one step at a time. Soon you'll be fine.

Because, really, do people know who you truly are? Are you not also hiding behind a nom de plume, an anonymous alias? Even though you have customized it to reflect certain aspects of your personality, it's not all there is to you. You keep things back, things in real life that you don't want on-line people to know. It's the way of the internet. It's the way of LJ.

So there you go.

And here we are!

a work-in-progress, by low-fat cheezwhiz sock

( Why an FAQ? )


( Who are you, Low-fat? )

( Or should I call you CheezWhiz? )


( Why did you start a journal? )


( Isn't that cowardly? )


( You're not cute. )


( Aren't you just hiding behind another wall of anonymity to flame people and not taking responsibility for your words? )


( Why would I value your opinions since you are an admitted sock puppet? )


( Your mere presence as a sock implies flaming! )


( Can I friend you? )


( Did you make this just for me? )


( Hey, Sock? Can I call you Sock? You're a member of anti____. Does this mean you are anti-____? )


...incidentally? Our presence makes us doinks. We know this. We embrace our doinkiness.